#4.3: Without the Storm, You Never Experience the Miracle

On January 8th 2018, I walked into the high risk OB office so full of excitement! Slightly nervous about how my back would hold up over the next 9 months, but otherwise thrilled.

I met the doctor in the exam room. She performed an ultrasound. She said that there was no heartbeat yet, but that she did see all of the makings of an early pregnancy. She mentioned that if this is a “normal” pregnancy, I must be on the earlier side.

“Normal pregnancy- what is she talking about?,” I wondered as I pushed that comment to the back of my mind.

She finalized the ultrasound. Explained what to expect at my appointments, and sent the nurse in to draw my blood and give me a flu shot that I was reluctant to receive.

I practically skipped out of the office that day with my ‘pregnancy packet’ in tow.

That evening was a different story. By nighttime, I had spiked a 103 fever. My whole body ached. I couldn’t regulate my body temperature. I had never had the flu in my life. What was going on. 

The next day the doctor called with the results.

“Your hCG should be doubling every 2-3 days. Based upon the results of your first blood draw, your hCG is not rising on par with a normal pregnancy. This could mean a number of things, but more than likely it is a sign of a pending miscarriage. I want to see you back in the office the day after tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood draw and we can review your options.”

This was the start of my world caving in. 

My results of my upcoming tests would be crucial. My mom came to stay with me. 

Over the course of the next weeks, I was either at a blood draw appointment or an ultrasound appointment every day. Waiting, hoping, praying for something to change - for my hCG to rise, for the images on the ultrasound to show something more promising. 

My hCG was rising - that had to mean something, right?- , it just wasn’t doubling. 

“This is likely not a viable pregnancy - I recommend considering either a D&C or a dose of Misoprostol to terminate”, my doctor callously told me. 

This couldn’t be happening. What did she mean it was ‘viable’? What is a D&C? What does “likely” mean?

“I’m not comfortable with either of those options.,” I told her.

“Then your only other option is to let your body miscarry naturally, but you will only be delaying the inevitable. Call me if you change your mind.”

I’ve never felt so reduced in my life. 

I remember crying out to the Lord on the ultrasound table. Reciting every miracle that came to mind from Scripture. Didn’t this doctor know who my God is? He is greater than ultrasounds, than HcG numbers. He is a God of miracles. 

I made my decision - if this pregnancy was going to end in a miscarriage, it would have to happen naturally. 

The next weeks were agonizing. Sleep did not come easy. I would wake up in the night and reach for the scripture verses I had written on flash cards and flip through them until I could find enough peace to fall asleep. 

Through the heartache though, I was having a heart change. I realized that it was finally time that I stopped thinking about finding a church for us, and actually do something about it. 

So, on a freezing cold day in the middle of January, Chris and I found our seat in a pew. Before the sermon began, a representative of the Delaware County Pregnancy Center stood up to talk about the center. He explained that the center is an organization which offers hope and life to women and families facing an unplanned pregnancy, and went on to explain the fundraiser that they were running where you could donate in honor of someone. 

Uncontrollable tears ran down my face as we made out a check in honor of our Pepper. A month later we received a thank you note.

The sermon that day was on a story in Matthew —as the disciples were making their way across the Sea of Galilee a dangerous storm overtook the boat. In this moment, the disciples feared for their lives and wondered where Jesus was. Jesus then miraculously came to them walking on the water, and told them to take courage and not be afraid. 

The pastor wrapped up this sermon by saying -without a storm, you never get to experience the miracle. 

More tears streamed down my face. It wouldn’t happen just yet, but the Lord knew my little miracle was coming.