Excerpt:

“Looking back now I wish I could tell myself, “Sweet girl, hang in there. Your Father knows something that you don’t. You have a miracle coming. And, she’s coming to you very soon. Remain steadfast.”…”

Excerpt:

“… the bathroom door opened and that’s when I heard it. A school bus load of little girls participating in Vanguard’s spring break camp program for working Vanguard parents. The safe haven of my private, silent bathroom was quickly filled with high pitched voices giggling, shrieking, and laughing -- not exactly the privacy that I was looking for….”

Excerpt:

“…That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was scared to death. (Oh, how I wish I could reach back through the hands of time and wrap my arms around my frightened self with tear-filled eyes, trying so desperately to not let fear overtake my joy.)…”

Excerpt:

“…When the sorrowful winds of the east blow, I forget they are necessary. When I’m being processed, I forget it’s for the sake of ridding me of bitterness. And when I’m being crushed I forget it’s for the sake of my preservation. I forget all these things so easily. I wrestle and cry and honestly want to resist every bit of this. Oh, how I forget. Maybe God knew we all would. And so, He created the olive tree…”

Excerpt:

“…Chris would have been happy keeping the gender a surprise, but I am way too type-a to just “sit back and wait”. I had a nursery that needed to be painted, a monogram to figure out, outfits to buy - all of the things! So, that summer we decided to find out the sex of our babe by throwing a gender reveal party for our family. (If you’ve never tried to explain a ‘gender reveal’ to grandparents in their 80s, it is quite comical)…”

Excerpt:

“…Y’all- when I say that Chris and I couldn’t have been further apart on names, I mean like separate planets apart. I was convinced that this poor baby girl was going to be born nameless. Thankfully, I’d heard that they don’t let you leave the hospital without a name on the birth certificate so I was at least reasonably reassured that she wouldn’t remain “no name mari” forever…”

Excerpt:

“…On the ride back, out of what seemed like nowhere, I was overcome with raw emotion as tears welled up in my eyes and flowed down my cheeks matching the rhythm of the raindrops falling from the sky. All of the sudden my heart hurt for the baby that we lost months ago, but it longed more for the baby on the way…”

Excerpt:

“Gut-wrenching. Soul-shaking. Breath-taking.

The silent suffering is all too familiar. 

Waves of old emotion come flooding back over me- threatening to drown me under the crushing weight of the new waves of grief. 

The familiarity provides no comfort. Instead, my pain is compounded with each gasp for air. 

 Raw. Rejected. Broken. 

 No…”

Excerpt:

“December 31, 2017.

New Year’s Eve. — Champagne. Streamers. Poppers. Auld Lang Syne.

A time to celebrate the ringing in of a new year.

Year’s past, this night would have involved all of those things plus a sparkly new outfit, an all inclusive party package at a fancy hotel, and a night filled with dancing.

December 31, 2017, however, was a bit different…”

Excerpt:

“…I couldn’t get it off my mind. I tried everything to remember when my last cycle had been. Then it hit me. I didn’t have a period last month! Did I have one the month before? I had been so wrapped up in preparing for my surgery, that it didn’t even register. 

I ran to the store to pick up a pregnancy test. The instructions said to take it first thing in the morning. 

I woke up the next morning. Ran to the bathroom. Spent what seemed like forever trying to get the pregnancy test out of the stubborn foil, stumbling with nervous excitement. Finally! I got it out. Then... I waited…”

Excerpt:

“…I remember crying out to the Lord on the ultrasound table. Reciting every miracle that came to mind from Scripture. Didn’t this doctor know who my God is? He is greater than ultrasounds, than hCG numbers. He is a God of miracles.

I made my decision - if this pregnancy was going to end in a miscarriage, it would have to happen naturally. ..”

Excerpt:

“…By that evening, the pain was intolerable. I was in tears, doubled over in my bed writhing in agony. Finally Chris looked at me and said, “I think we need to go to the hospital.” I nodded…”

Excerpt:

“…sometimes you can glue those pieces back together and let God’s light shine through the cracks. While that is a beautiful story, she went on to ask...

“But what about those times when things aren’t just broken, but shattered beyond repair? Shattered to the point of dust. At least when things are broken there’s some hope you can glue the pieces back together. But what if there aren’t even pieces to pick up in front of you? You can’t glue dust…

Excerpt:

“…I think it would be impossible to go through our Paris experience unchanged. For many months after, I was very easily startled by any loud noise.

To this day, I have a hard time watching BBC or any sort of European television show where I hear that distinct siren sound. It is forever ingrained in my mind…”

Excerpt:

“…..when I looked down to see a missed call from my matron of honor.

“That’s strange”, I thought to myself. We text a million times a day, but rarely do we pick up the phone and call.

I called her back- she didn’t answer.

A few minutes later, my phone rang. It was her.

As soon as I picked up, I knew that something was wrong, very wrong…”

Excerpt:

”…The day before the wedding, I picked up my perfectly tailored wedding gown, Chris and Gilbert finally made it down to VA after missing their train (YES! You read that correctly), and we began the celebrations with a family dinner the night before our rehearsal, followed by the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the next night!…”

Excerpt:

“…I was never more confident of anything in my life.

Seeing Chris’ face light up as he saw me make my way towards him, solidified everything that I had been feeling since the night that I called my girlfriend after our impromptu date at the W in DC all those years before.

I was right all along. This was the man I was going to marry…”

Excerpt:

“…Seriously, there must have been at least 5 police cars and a handful of officers rushing our car. AND - cameramen!! With their large cameras pointing through the windows of our rental car.

I was shaking - almost in tears.

Chris was googling the U.S Embassy in Slovenia.

We were both convinced that this was it - I was getting ready to be arrested on our honeymoon AND by my own people nonetheless!…”

Excerpt:

“…The changing of the stations was then followed by the bar staff drawing closed the metal shutters on the windows and locking the entrances to the pub. 

This is when my fear crept in. What on earth was going on?! I thought that we were getting a nightcap and then heading back to our view of the Eiffel Tower, but from what I could tell, we weren’t going anywhere!

Thankful for our friend who could translate, he relayed to us the ugly and downright frightening truth of what we were caught in the middle of - what would later become known as the deadliest attacks in France since the second World War...”

Excerpt:

“…The doors - locked. Metal shutters- closed. Lights - off. 

Everything seemed to move in slow motion and at warp speed- all at once. Instant sobriety kicked in. 

I needed to call home.

“Mom! Where’s dad?!,” I asked.

“Honey, why are you asking? How is Paris? Is everything okay?”, she replied.

“Turn on the TV,” I answered.

I spent the next several hours on and off the phone with my parents, hiding below the bar counter, strategically positioned by the back staircase, mapping out an escape route should we need it. 

Never more fearful for my life or what was going to happen next. ..”